No Contact
I haven’t talked to my parents since 2019.
This space is dedicated to describing what “no contact” is, the steps I took before going “no contact” and why some relationships, regardless of the titles attached, cannot be saved.
What’s “No Contact”?
No contact is a strategy in order to cut ties with a narcissist, sociopath or other emotional manipulator. No contact works because it stops giving energy to the unsafe relationships. Narcissists need “punching bags” because they refuse to self-regulate, acknowledge their own emotions or stop abusive behaviors. There’s a lot of terminology associated with this topic and Dr. Ramani Durvasula (She/Her) provides a lot of in depth explanations on it all.
This video is dedicated specifically to the term no contact and goes into why so people may never be able to go no contact fully.
My Timeline
Before going no contact, I did everything in my power to keep my parents in my life. I made sure to vocalize my needs and to consistently remind them of the consequences of their actions. Once I saw their behavior continue, I began to grey rock and communicate less.
My mother has always been racist and homophobic but I decided to go full no contact after my mother began using my son as a tool for manipulation.
In the screenshot to the left you’ll see just one of the many posts she made saying I was keeping her from her grandson. These posts happened a lot after I started setting boundaries around my family, time and energy. I could not stand to see it or to imagine my son having to go through the abuse I’ve had to endure. I had to go no contact with my father as well as he enabled her behavior.
I didn’t let them know, I just blocked them on everything and informed my siblings of my decision. Every now and then I have to remind my siblings of my decision but they’ve been fairly supportive of it since I’ve told them.
Forever
One of the reoccurring questions I’ve gotten through this process has been “for how long?” In both Black and Sāmoan cultures it’s kind of unheard of to go no contact. I’ve had a lot of relatives tell me “that’s your mom” or “family is everything.” These messages are harmful and a huge part of why people never leave abusive relationships. Fortunately, there are people in my life, specifically a lot people in the Queer community, who have had similar experiences and constantly remind me that I can choose my family.
I honestly don’t know how long this will last but I do know I will not go back to abuse.
I want to remind anyone who needs it that:
You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt you.
You deserve a love that wants you enough to change.
You deserve a love that you can be proud of.
Should you decide to go no contact, do it for you and you alone. Only you know what you need to feel safe and I hope one day you do.
Thank you for reading through! Hi, I’m K Mataōtama Strohl (They/Them). I’d love to be able to continue to share stories like this but I need your help to be able to do so. Please visit my Ko-Fi page to tip what you can and gain access to my other work. You can learn more about me and my work at the link below.
