Top 3 Reasons To Kill Myself
In 2018 I made a plan to kill myself. I was hospitalized. There were a lot of reasons I thought that my death would be beneficial to everyone in my life but the truth is it wouldn't have been and all the reasons I “needed” to die have since proven to be temporary and insignificant.
Suicide is one of the top 10 leading causes of death in the United States, with one person taking their life every 11 minutes.
My top 3 reasons I thought I needed to die were:
Big Changes
K arrives in Washington to discover shortly after that they are pregnant.
I had just moved from Japan to Washington state to find out I was pregnant. Because of my pregnancy I was unable to continue my job as a mechanic and moved into a more administrative role. These changes happening at the same time made me feel overwhelmed and ultimately unequipped to handle them.
Challenging real-life stressors can lead to suicidal thoughts and increase someone’s chances of dying by suicide.This can especially be true if someone lacks the skills or social support to cope with stress.
2. No Support
K in uniform smiling while raising a child and receiving absolutely no support from their leadership.
I was active duty military. The military loves to treat all circumstances, ailments, conditions and/or illnesses the same which is with as little care as possible. During and after my pregnancy when I showed signs that I was in need of care and began to reach out for this needed care I was met with an alarmingly high level of dismissal, ignorance and an overall lack of support.
Feeling like you’re a burden to the people in your life or like you don’t belong anywhere in the world are two other powerful emotions associated with suicide.
3. The Opposite of Support
The second time I was hospitalized was because I called the Suicide Hotline and was told I “should be grateful for the life God has given” me. I am not religious and I’m Queer so outright religious talk like that scares me, I immediately hung up. Their protocol was to call 911 and open a CPS (Child Protective Services Case) on me. This was the opposite of support and truly not something I found helpful during this time.
Pictures of K spiraling due to the lack of support, resources and protection they received during this time of their life.
Gender, race, sexual orientation, and age all impact suicide risk. Certain marginalized communities, like people in the LGBTQIA community, have a higher risk for suicide. Studies show that up to 43% of transgender people have reported attempting suicide. It’s important to note that being transgender is not a suicide risk factor. Trans people often experience discrimination, bullying, and stigma — all of which can increase suicide risk.
I have since this time been able to create a healthier relationship with myself, my work and my support system. I have since been able to be more honest about who I am and how discriminatory practices against people like me may prevent us from getting the help we need. I hope anyone who is reading this knows that whatever your top 3 reasons are, they’re not good enough and we need you here.
Why People Die by Suicide
Thank you for reading through! Hi, I’m K Mataōtama Strohl (They/Them). I’d love to be able to continue to do this but I need your help. Please visit my Ko-Fi page to tip what you can and gain access to my other work. You can learn more about me and my work at the link below.
